Letting Go

by R.H.
September 2008


Letting go used to be so hard to do. Was it natural to keep everything inside that bothered you? And why? How was it healthy to keep it inside?

All you did was break down and cry.

Is it a human instinct to not know how to bury all the pain that remains? I am asking myself, “Why?” Do I like to cry? Did I like to feel miserable? Did I like to be on the verge of committing suicide: “That’s crazy shit,” I thought. There were times I couldn’t control my anger, so I was bitter toward my loved one, toward myself, and all those that were strangers.

Sometimes you can’t help but remember your past – why? Did I feel better when I would take a big ol’ blast; I guess I did. “Stupid,” I suppose I’m thinking. It’s not really only that I just didn’t know how to let go of all the bullshit I had done. I didn’t know how to let go. Stealing money, lying, cheating, and being a fiend. Oh, my God, you hear those words? That was really me.

But, you see, the Big Words were, “Does anybody notice all the good shit she does?” I don’t know; in a way I don’t care. If I worry what they think, I’m not even halfway there. I’m going somewhere because I’ve learned to let go. And since then, I’ve seen the change in a girl that wants to grow.

You see, you have to really want to let go of all that can come between you and your growth toward achievement. Letting go is a beautiful thing if you just “let go.” And leave it. Enjoy life, make the best of it. Ask God to help you strive when you feel that you want to quit.

Here I am today, looking around and enjoying the sun. Loving me. Excited about the person I have become and that I’m going to be. Because I have let go, and as a result I am learning how to grow. Letting go – damn, that wasn’t so bad, as I look back now on the pain I used to have. Today I am free to turn into that flower I can be.

Do I want it? “Hell, yeah,” I say. What else it there to do but let go of the past and learn to love you. It feels good, doesn’t it, R.? And look: I’ve learned to say my name. I will never be the same. This is who I am, even if no one else accepts me. I still will take a stand for the person I have become, because I let go of all the shit I’ve held within out of which I was too scared to allow myself to grow.

Thank you, God.

Thank you for loving me today. And now I’m proud of who I am for letting go today.

Writing, to me, helps me to relieve the stress – the anger also involved that leads me to danger. It fills my heart with anticipating of what is ahead in my life. I’m excited, overwhelmed, and completely secure with me. I know who I can talk to: that person is me.

When I speak to myself about my own fears, it just builds me up more as I shift my gears. I let go, and I let God guide me all the way. He knows my heart’s desires and my pain He’ll take away. Letting go has turned into “Let go.” I will go-go-go until I can’t go no more.

Love, me.