The Depth

by Donna Garrison
January 2009


November 17, 2008 marks five years that I have been incarcerated. It also made me eligible for Judicial Release. Of course, I’ve already filed that motion.

I don’t know much anymore. I used to have big words to describe my feelings. Words seem to fail me now. I feel numb. Maybe this is the phase of incarceration at the five-year mark or maybe I’m regressing. I just want to go home to my 87-year old daddy. My mother died this past June. I went to her funeral in handcuffs. I pray I don’t go to my father’s funeral that way.

The judge says that I showed no remorse at my sentencing. How could he know the depth of my sorrow over what I did? I worry that I will always be fragmented.

I spent most of my life not understanding God’s great plan. Why would His only son die on a cross for sin? I never thought I had committed a sin that warranted a living sacrifice to save me. It sounded so primitive. But, now that I’ve done some of the worst things imaginable, I understand. If God can’t forgive me, then there is no hope and life isn’t worth living. I’m not as clever as I thought I was.

Today, I pray David’s prayer in Psalm 51:8: “Oh, give back my joy again; you have broken me – now let me rejoice.”