by John White
March 2010


I stared up into the star-filled sky. I was surrounded by six billion people. More than 99% of them had no idea of my existence. The very few that know of me had no idea where I was.

That's exactly how I wanted it.

It wasn't that I didn't like to be around people, but it was the influence of being around others that I detested. Their presence reminded me of that fact that I was human as well. This disgusted me. I felt after eighteen years of being around people day in and day out, that I was more than experienced enough to make a judgement on the human species.

I judged them to be filthy, arrogant, careless manipulators who only caused misery even when they tried to love.

For those reasons I sought out a place I could go that wasn't human. Ad nauseam, with the help of the grass, trees, nighttime noises, and that starry sky, I could eliminate the human experience I was subjected to. More importantly, the fact that I was a human myself, that is what truly disgusted me.

I was a filthy, arrogant, careless manipulator that only caused misery even when I tried to love.

What utterly confused me was that we humans had intelligence unmatched on this planet, yet we were the only species destroying the planet not to mention ourselves. Why was this?

Long before this particular night I had already determined that we humans must be the production of a higher being. His higher being must be our intellectual superior. This seemed to be the most rational conclusion I could come to. I, like so many other humans, came to call this higher being God. I even came to consider myself a son of God. Not an accepted son mind you, but a son nonetheless.

Over many starry nights I would ask God why I was unaccepted. I felt unaccepted because no way does an intelligent being so mighty, so creative to make this universe make his children to be so evil.

No way.

Furthermore, I had this nagging feeling that this earth was not my home. I felt abandoned here in this hate-filled world. I couldn't believe that our creator would make us this way, and so I determined that humans were at fault for this abandonement. We must have done something to merit being kicked out of our true home with our father. For this reason, I hated humans. I hated the world we created through our evil ways. I blamed humans for the hopeless feeling of being far away from home where there was no pain, no strife, no tears of sadness. No filthy arrogance, no careless manipulation, only love. This was my home that I literally missed as if I once was there.

Most times I begged God to please take me home; take me from this world.

Not once did he answer me.

So on this starry night, I stared into the sky asking God to please grant my continual request of coming home. Once again, no answer. After eighteen years of trying to get home and no reply, I gave up. I basically turned my back on the grass, trees, night noises, and the sky, not to mention my creator and faced the world and it's six billion prisoners.

I thought of the old saying: If you can't beat'em, join'em. I walked into the world with no hope of ever going home. I had given up on getting to go home. I accepted that I, along with all humans, were prisoners here due to whatever we did wrong.

Nine years passed and I was a father myself now. I had a five-year-old daughter. I strived to be a loving father in all ways. I had it in mind that I could help her, through my own ability, to find peace in this prison we called home.

I was trying to make the best of a bad circumstance. Even though I wouldn't openly admit it, I was perpetually falling. The lost feeling that dwelt in my heart only grew deeper as it ate my very existence.

July 19, 2006 I awoke in the county jail. I was being accused of the most heinous crimes known. The same humans I judged nine years earlier to be evil and disgusting, now judged me to be the worst of their kind. I was now the disgusting, filthy, evil one. I again tried to leave this world, not by pleading with God to bring me home, but by my own hand. I tried to commit suicide.

Due to the nature of my case and my suicide attempts, I was isolated by myself. Again, I found myself alone in a world of six billion people. This time with no grass, trees, night noises, and no stars. This time I did not want to be alone. This time I wanted to be free to be in this world. Instead, I now found myself a prisoner within a prison that was within a prison. I, being part of this prison (the world), that us humans were sentenced to, was now even further sentenced by the prisoners. The filthy, arrogant, careless manipulators now deemed me unworthy to live among them. How could one fall amy deeper?

After I failed to commit suicide (I couldn't even get that right), I crumbled to the cell floor in exhaustion. I was no more than a shadow of a man. I was tears, pain, fear and despair.

I grasped onto the only thing I had left of the world that I once begged to be taken out of, a world I utterly despised. I grasped onto my memories.

That's when I came to all those nights alone talking to my creator and receiving no reply. It suddenly dawned on me why I was receiving no reply. Arrogance! I was a prisoner not willing to serve the time I justly deserved, yet I wanted to be released without even admitting my guilt. I realized that if I had lived a perfect life without ever committing a sin, I may have been just to expect a pardon from this hate-filled world. I also then saw all the filthy, careless manipulations that only caused misery that I had conducted over my short period of life. I was by no means innocent, perfect, nor guiltless.

I then realized that my father was not ignoring me on those starry nights, but, in fact, was talking to me more than I was talking to him. I was simply ignoring him. I ignored all the people, literature, signs, and his own voice in my heart that he supplied for me that I might know the way home after all. I immediately confessed that I was a sinner, that Jesus Christ was my savior because he died for my sins, then rose from the dead and ascended to heaven to be with the father, which in turn allows me to die, and then rise from the dead to ascend to heaven to be with my father.

Just as immediately, I knew that I was no longer abandoned. I was finally home. All of the fear, hate, despair and weakness that this world offered was no longer of consequence.

I was more free inside that little cell behind that locked, guarded door than I ever was standing in that grass, among those trees and night noises, staring up at the stars.

I no longer begged to go home, althought I groaned for home, but I now accepted my reasonable service to tell and show that we do not have to be prisoners to this world any longer. I was eager to share the way home which was and is my Lord Jesus Christ. The prisoner that I was is now dead and the heir of a mighty, wonderful kingdom is alive and well. Praise to Jesus Christ our Lord! Amen!